My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
