I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
