omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
