your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
