You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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