I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize