Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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