I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
