I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize