Swine flu. Run for my life!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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