Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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