I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
