Have you finally orgasmed yet?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
