so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
