mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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