My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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