Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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