I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I party with great urgency now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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