You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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