youre lurking in front of me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
