Will you blow on my dice?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
