my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drake has all the answers
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
