Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
