I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
