woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
