I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
