We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
