I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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