Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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