Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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