apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
