one two three fourrrrnication!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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