just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
