my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
