We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
