i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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