You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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