i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
