I want to make a zoo with you.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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