dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
