My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's the barista slut.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
