before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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