He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What a dumb baby whore.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
