bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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