just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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