I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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