is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
