I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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