So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
