I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
