barbara walters just said penis...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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