it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
