I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
