If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We got so high we made milksteak
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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