I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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