Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize