apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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