i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
