So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I lost the right to judge tonight
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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